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Submitted on
October 26, 2008
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  • Mood: Not Impressed
  • Listening to: Young MC--Bust a Move
  • Reading: Too much shit in my textbooks to possibly remember
  • Watching: Others enjoy themselves while I'm miserable
  • Playing: Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood
  • Eating: I don't even rember anymore
  • Drinking: Pink lemonade
Well, I was dreaming of this stage of my life for all eternity.  Dreaming of moving away from the shithole I grew up in.  Dreaming of moving into a cool, intellectual, cosmopolitan, urban environment.  Dreaming of freedom to start structuring my life the way I wanted.  Dreaming of starting and joining clubs, making friends, getting a girlfriend for the first time in my life.  I chose a campus specifically for all these things.  So I am sitting here in my campus apartment now, thinking, "What the fuck?!  Well, that was anticlimactic."

I have not had a happy life at all.  Being a high-functioning autistic child in the rural community that my parents coveted was a recipe for failure.  When you live in one of those little shithole redneck towns, there's no arcades, no malls, no theatres, etc, so all you have for amusement is going and hanging out with other people.  We autistics don't do that shit.  We demand specific activities to join others around, or we tune it all out entirely.  It's all worse when you also factor in that those redneck assholes hate those who differ and thus bully them in school.  Grade School is still the worst phase of my life I've known, but after you get wounded enough, you get a callous.  That is, school sucked all horse dick, but at least I didn't expect otherwise.

So when I finally graduated, declining to attend my graduation ceremony because graduation ceremonies also suck, I started community college, and things started to look up for me.  I still lived with my parents in that shitty country town, and the city the community college was in wasn't great either, plus I never did make any more friends there than I had in Grade School, but there was a key advantage in that the schedule was flexible.  There were general education requirements, but students were not shoehorned into classes in assurance that they were churned out with a standard education; rather, I took all the classes I needed as I saw fit, and as few at a time as I saw fit.  

This actually had a markedly positive effect on my studies, because I wasn't overly-busy, as I always felt in High School.  I began to not only succeed, but excel in nearly all my classes.  While one will argue that any student who takes a lessened load of classes will perform better in those classes that he does take, I took especial advantage of the situation in a way that many others wouldn't.  I selected classes from subjects I loved, mainly Social Science and Writing, and threw myself into them wholeheartedly with a passion few students matched.  

What is more, in my spare time, I did not simply slack, but rather, spent time bettering myself in ways that I chose.  I began to exercise to get myself into better physical shape, for the first significant time in my life.  I began learning to draw, and learning to play guitar.  I would make trips to the bookstore, and began developing my literary skills while passively entertaining myself by reading.  I had impressed all of my teachers who saw what I had written, and I was deciding upon a career in writing novels.  I still lacked friends, however, and still never had a girlfriend in my whole life.  I figured, however, that with how relatively-great community college had been, the University would be even better.  So I chose a campus that I thought would suit me the best, and departed with high hopes.

Here I sit now, with said hopes dashed.  I am in a cool urban environment.  There are many clubs to join on campus.  There are intellectual students just like myself, who could likely be my friends.  There are many attractive girls, with whom to form a relationship.  There is a great library, which I could rent books from and use to do research for writing my own.  Yet all of this is rendered moot, because this University's rigid, extensive homework policy leaves me with no fucking time for any of it.  It isn't as though I don't like learning.  I did away with that thought in community college, and I actually like the classes I'm taking.  While I consider myself an aspiring intellectual, however, my mind, though active and creative, has never been industrious.  I can only exert it so much on so many things that take effort, and now I have three glaring things to exert it to in the form of my classes, and their time-monopolizing course readings.  

So with what little spare time I have, I have no more effort left anymore to play guitar, or to draw, or to do any other things that involve effort; I just loaf.  Hell, even my homework readings cease to be coherent after a point; it just all drones together after a while.  I've come to dread tests, finals, a whole fucking rat-race of intellectual imprisonment, so I lock myself in my room with my books, and torture myself for the grade.  I could be devoting myself to studies of academics on the one hand, and strengthening my creative mind on the other, as well as building a social life.  For me, the last two are more important, because I've been learning all my life, mostly ahead of the level of my peers, but I've never had a social life before.  Most people my age have had many girlfriends; I've had none, and few friends either.  Here I figured I'd be in an environment that, with the vast amount of activities it offered, afforded me the opportunity to make that change.  It still would, if I had the fucking time.  I don't.  It's a bit like having your favorite food being placed directly in front of you, and then seeing an iron door slammed between you and that food.  So while this is still technically better than High School was, it's the worst disappointment of any educational institution in my whole life.  I have so many opportunities for self-betterment, but no time for any of them.

All this might be a necessary evil for a normal person, but I'm not him.  A normal guy generally has more fun in High School, because simply being around other guys makes him happy.  A normal guy also isn't scapegoated.  A normal guy gets a girlfriend in High School, usually one who doesn't last long, but he outlives the breakup and moves on, chin-up.  A normal guy has enjoyed himself a considerable amount by the time he enrolls in a University, and can stand a bit of work.  Finally, a normal guy aspires to simply a respectable, eight-hour white-collar career when he's done, and can expect to get one when he's educated.  I, meanwhile, have had a fucking miserable time growing up, with nothing but a lot of unrewarding intellectual development all my life, and I want to be a writer, a man who structures his life as he sees fit, and spends hours in front of the computer, pounding away on the keys until the money rolls in.  I’m not opposed to getting a standard white-collar career in the meantime, but it is strictly a means to an end; a way to make money until I get a best-seller, and no longer need it.  I was advancing well along my way to becoming a writer when I was in community college, reading books voraciously, and typing essays here on Deviantart.  Now, I am occupied with a workload that is structured specifically to give people a degree so they can get hired.

It gets worse.  Winter Break is also much shorter than the one I got in community college, and when I told my parents that I wanted to take a lessened course-load next Quarter, they were jerks and said they would withdraw funding if I did.  I feel that a such light workload is what I need in order to develop myself into the talented man I want to be, and I feel that I won’t go anywhere if I don’t have the time to start writing a book while I’m still here, because who knows how much time I will actually have when I am working?

There are other gripes with this campus as well, but in general, it’s a much better environment than community college, and certainly better than High School.  Yet for all its assets, I might as well be in prison, sans rape, because I have little time for anything but work, eating, and sleeping.  I should be having the time of my life, going to zoos, aquariums, and museums, going on dates, joining clubs, and developing talents, but thanks to the heavy workload, none of that is possible.  I thought I’d love University life, but I find that instead, I truly hate what my life has become here, and I really don’t know what the fuck to do at this point.

The Watchers

:iconlexiness:  :iconakumath:  :iconnuhverah:  :iconflibertyjibert: :iconwendyatticus:  :iconrage28:  :iconpeoplejustneedtodie:  :iconshadowthehedgehogulf: :iconcubeboxstation:  :iconhonoel: :iconfreespirit754: :iconspyderraver:  :iconwyverie:
:iconrock-idijotica: :iconinspectorlupus: :iconmisterzero:

Clubs I’m in, or at least like

:iconwariowareclub:  :iconconkerclub:  :iconsonic-anti-yaoi-club:  :iconteentitans:
:iconfawful:  :iconsonic-club:  :iconmst3k:  :icondkcclub:


My Club :iconv8-4ever:


Cool Folks:

:iconkirbyslover:  :iconbehonkiss:  :icontrinity14:  :iconluigi64:  :iconnosongforspiders:  :iconmorganchan: :iconfluffycatgirl:  :iconkayona-kim:  :iconlooby-the-pirate:  :iconmama-goomba:  :iconernesto-che-guevara: :iconblackfantastix:

Note: Every time you post hate art, you are temporarily removed from my friends list.  Have a nice day.
:iconmisterzero:
misterzero Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2008
I really appreciate your intelligence and skill with words, you're an impressive man, my friend.

I'll reply, but please try not to mentally tear my grammar and paragraphing apart. :P

I'm in a similar situation lately, except almost the opposite at the same time. I've made sure to take plenty of free time for myself(definitely too much), and in doing so I managed to move to California(cool urban environs, beach, night life, school, beautiful girls) where I entered college, and then had to abruptly drop out and move back home because of problems with the family I was staying with. Back here at home in the country, I met my current girlfriend. We were irresponsible(never believe doctors if they say someone can't get pregnant), and now we have a daughter. She's actually a blessing to my life, but having her and heading a family at twenty-four years old certainly makes everything else and my future very shaky and uncertain. I find it increasingly rough to spend time with myself, honing myself into my ideal, seeing friends, etc. etc..

It seems the older we get, the more distant my friends and I get. We hardly ever talk anymore or hang out, and when we do it tends to be boring and bland, sadly. The same thing has prettymuch happened with my girlfriend, things have just hit a stalemate. I try my best to make things better when I'm around everyone, but its just like no one else really wants to try, which leads me to be cynical about the whole situation and friends in general. This is why I see your situation as appealing.

I understand that you feel you may have missed out or are missing out, but when it comes down to it, we die alone. It seems just more and more people drop off(in one way or another) as your life moves on. It's kind of a bad view for me to have, maybe, but I feel its happening. To me, you have a blank slate. Maybe this is just your beginning. Maybe everything else will come after college. In my scheme of things anymore, that would be my ideal time to make friends and meet an excellent girl to spend your life with. Or maybe even just a few nights a week.

Anyways, once again, I'm very impressed by your journals and the way you live and what you have overcome. I hope that you can make your way through these harsh times or somehow find a way to make the best of it. Good luck to you with all that work. If you feel you need to pace yourself, then that's definitely best for you.
Reply
:iconbahmo:
Bahmo Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2008
Thanks.

At the very least, most people I ask say that actually working isn't this bad, and I'll have more time left for creative pursuits. That's not very much relief, however, when one realizes that I can't predict where I'll be. I don't know where I'll be stuck living, or what job I'll have to do. Here, at least I know what's going to happen. Besides, in-and-of itself, college isn't bad. I'm in better shape than I've ever been, I really am learning, and it beats staying at my parents' house pulling weeds. Education, though, is like beer to me. At a bit at a time, I adore it, but too much and I might as well curl up and die. Pacing myself isn't an option, even if is best for me; nobody seems willing to fund it, and I myself lack the money.

However, I think the college at least offers housing to parttime students over the Summer, so that might be my time to really be more of what I think I should be. Then, appealing for anyone who wants to be a writer, is the fact that all of the professors at this school have written books, and hence, could provide me a good reference if I impress them. I don't know how important resumes are towards getting published, but they probably are to some degree.

In retrospect, things certainly could be worse. I guess the bummer is just that I expected them to be so much better
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